This page provides a little light relief because at times we all need a break from reality and have a laugh. The webmaster hopes you like the choice of jokes which, apart from March, have been sent to the webmaster for inclusion on this page.
If you have you laughed at a joke and think it is worth sharing then please
click here to send your joke to the webmaster.(Note: The webmaster reserves the right not to publish items that may cause offence.)
Why not create a link on your website to this Calmer Times page to offer your visitors a little light relief.
Click on a month below to view the joke for that month:
JANUARY FEBRUARY MARCH APRIL MAY JUNE JULY
AUGUST SEPTEMBER OCTOBER NOVEMBER DECEMBER
This month the jokes were once again supplied by a member of the Suffolk Tutors Group
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS - or -
SGNIHT TA GNIKOOL FO SYAW TNEREFFID
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said, 'and every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself.'
A person calls the Airline Office and asks the agent, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from London to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'
'Thank you,' the person says, and hangs up!
While shopping for holiday clothes, a husband and wife passed a display of swim suits. It had been at least ten years since the wife had even considered buying a swim suit, so she sought her husband's advice.
'What do you think?' she asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care!
NOVEMBER - This month the jokes were once again supplied by a member of the Suffolk Tutors Group
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of her local supermarket but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
It was mealtime during a holiday flight:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front Row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
Hopefully these ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!! (All the names have been changed however, it was never the intention to upset any persons named Mrs or Mr Percy Vere!)
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: "A white one..........."
Customer: "Hi, this is Mrs Vere. I can't get my diskette out."
Tech support: "Have you tried pushing the Button?"
Customer: "Yes, sure, it's really stuck."
Tech support: "That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note."
Customer: "No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry...."
Tech support: "Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen."
Customer: "Your left or my left?"
Tech support: "Good day. How may I help you?"
Customer: "Hello... I can't print."
Tech support: "Would you click on "start" for me and........"
Customer: "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates."
Customer:
Tech support: ...........speechless.............
MORE.........
Customer: "I have problems printing in red... "
Tech support: "Do you have a color printer?"
Customer: "Aaaah....................thank you."
Tech support: "What's on your monitor now, ma'am?"
Customer: "A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies."
Customer: "My keyboard is not working anymore."
Tech support: "Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?"
Customer: "No. I can't get behind the computer."
Tech support: "Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back."
Customer: " OK !"
Tech support: "Did the keyboard come with you?"
Customer: "Yes"
Tech support: "That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?"
Customer: "Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work..."
Tech support: "Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: "Is that 7 in capital letters ?"
EVEN MORE........
Customer: "I can't get on the Internet."
Tech support: "Are you sure you used the right password?"
Customer: "Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it."
Tech support: "Can you tell me what the password was?"
Customer: "Five stars......."
Tech support: "What anti-virus program do you use?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Tech support: "That's not an anti-virus program."
Customer: "Oh, sorry....... um.....Internet Explorer."
Customer: "I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears."
There's no need to write the Technician's answer to that one - or is there?
Tech support: "How may I help you? "
Customer: "I'm writing my first e-mail."
Tech support: "OK, and what seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?"
A customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: "Are you running it under windows?"
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
And Finally to lower the tone: ......
Tech support: "Okay Mr Vere, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a P. "
Tech support: "On your keyboard, Mr Vere."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech support: "P.....on your keyboard, Mr Vere."
Customer: "I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!"
Top of this page
.
A couple who had just celebrated their 60th birthdays were sitting in bed reading when all of a sudden there was a huge flash an a fairy appeared at the foot of the bed. The fairy said to the couple that they had been chosen to receive 2 wishes, one for each of them.
The fairy said that as she was of the 'old school' the lady should go first and proceeded to ask the wife; 'what do you wish for.'
The wife said; 'We have never been able to afford a world cruise so my wish is for a luxury world cruise.'
There was a flash and 2 tickets dropped on the bed in front of the wife.
She then asked the husband; 'What is your wish.'
He moved closer to the fairy and whispered in her ear; 'I would like a wife that is 30 years younger.'
There was a massive flash and he was suddenly 90 years old!
1. A four letter word! - Courtesy of a member of the Suffolk Tutors Group
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS"
2. Modern times! - Courtesy of a parishioner in Bentley
A double glazing salesman calls at a house and rings the doorbell.
A 9 year old boy comes to the door, pint of beer in one hand and cigar in the other.
The salesman asks; "Is your dad in?"
The lad says; "What do you think?"
JULY - This month there are 2 jokes to hopefully make you smile
1. Hear, here! - Courtesy of a parishioner in Bentley
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear speech very clearly.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor to have the hearing aids checked:
The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear them again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
2. A topical one: - Courtesy of another parishioner in Bentley
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive... So, I took her to a PETROL STATION !!!
Hospital regulations required a wheel chair be always used for patients being discharged.
A very keen student nurse found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet.
He insisted that he didn't need my help to leave the hospital however, after a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the student nurse wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down the student nurse asked him if someone would be meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "My wife is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown ........."
MAY - Its a shocker - Courtesy of a parishioner in Bentley
A woman went to the medical centre where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out of his surgery screaming and ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the surgery where the young doctor was typing on his computer.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued typing and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
Top of this page
APRIL - Its a Quacker -Courtesy of Derek in Newick (East Sussex)
A Lady took her very limp Duck to the Vet. As she laid the Duck on his table, he pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the birds chest. After a moment or two the Vet shook his head sadly and said " I am sorry but your Duck is dead".
The very distressed Lady said" how can you be so sure? You have not carried out any tests and he may just be in a coma or something."
The Vet rolled his eyes, left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the Ducks owner looked on in amazement the dog stood on his hind legs, put his paws on the table and sniffed the Duck from top to bottom. He looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The Vet patted the dog on the head and took him out of the room. He returned a few moments later with a Cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on his haunches, shook his head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The Vet looked at the Lady and said " I am sorry but as I said your Duck is 100% dead."
The Vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the Lady. The Ducks owner still in shock took the bill and said "£150 just to tell me that my Duck is dead!!!!!"
The Vet shrugged and said " I am sorry, if you had taken my word for it the bill would only have been £25 but with the 'Lab' report and the 'cat' scan it is now £150.
Top of this page
MARCH - Here's one I heard some time ago:
A stranger goes into a local pub which is crowded and very noisy.
As he walks up to the bar he notices 2 pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling.
He orders a drink and asks the bartender why the meat is nailed to the ceiling.
The conversations then goes like this:
Bartender: They are there waiting for someone to have a go.
Stranger: Have a go at what?
Bartender: Well it's like this - if you can jump up and remove the 2 pieces of meat in one go you can have free drinks all night.
Stranger: That sounds a good bet - I'll have a go.
Bartender: There's just one rule - if you don't remove both pieces of meat in one go you have to buy everyone else a drink - do you still want to have a go?
There is sudden quiet in the bar as everyone waits for the strangers answer.
Stranger: On second thoughts I don't think I will have a go.
Bartender: Why ever not?
Stranger: Because the stakes are too high !!
JANUARY -Church humour courtesy of a member of the Suffolk Tutors Group
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
"I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Dad..." the young boy replied excitedly, " It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' "
Then there was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.